In 2020, I've learned new things about my kink journey that converts my 10 years experience into transferrable and valuable knowledge to this community. As a BDSM Club owner, I am accepting and wholeheartedly stepping into my role as a Mentor and teacher. These tips for beginners (and reminders for vets) are 100% unsolicited and based on my experiences and those I have witnessed around me.
Thing 1: BE YOURSELF
When I was first introduced to kink, I was young as hell (only 17) and too damn eager. Experienced swingers would recognize my obsession with my own body and my need to serve was taken for weakness. I quickly spent my first few years subbing for unworthy partners and it was extremely damaging. Dealing with people who didn't know the difference between Swinging and BDSM, only taught me what I don't want and who I do not want to be. Now let's face fact, living a swingers lifestyle and living a KINKY lifestyle ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Do not be fooled and manipulated into uncomfortable dynamics by conartists Hedonist who haven't learned their own proper place on the kinky spectrum. My first word of advice to any newbies or inexperienced Kinksters, DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO FIT INTO ANY DYNAMIC. Let me emphasize this one: BE YOUR DAMN SELF. You are beautiful, wanted, talented, worthy of respect, worthy of true love and protection. You should NEVER have to shed yourself to receive what you deserve. I learned this the hard way. The moment you no longer recognize who you are in and out of your dynamics, leave. The moment your personal morals are compromised in order for you to serve, leave. The moment you are unhappy and your dynamic becomes a strain on your emotional and mental well-being, LEAVE. Accept yourself before anyone else.
Thing 2: DO NOT RUSH
In order to be yourself, you have to know yourself. Between the ages of 18-21, my vanilla boyfriend accepted I wanted to explore kink, but he did not explore with me. This pushed me towards Kinksters who recognized my loyalty and my ability to multitask was taken for weakness. I quickly spent my first few years speeding down the highway to hell with people who confused my readiness to love for a readiness to fuck. I no longer apologize for my eagerness but I also no longer allow others to persuade me to do things I am not ready for. My second word of advice to any newbies, TAKE TIME TO DEVELOP YOUR BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS. Someone worthy of you will want you to know what you want and who you are. Someone worthy of you will allow you to explore what you like and there is no time limits on gaining wisdom. I learned this the hard way many times, quickly giving my all to temporary situations simply because it felt good. The moment you and your partner are no longer moving at the same speed, LEAVE. The moment you and your partner begin to clash because you're "moving to slow", LEAVE. The moment you are unhappy and your dynamic becomes a strain on your emotional and mental well-being, LEAVE. Respect yourself before anyone else.
Thing 3: PLAY SAFELY
I see many women (and men) being taken advantage of because they too are like I once was, eager and inexperienced. I have been put into extremely dangerous and uncomfortable situations because I felt safe but didn't speak up when I no longer was safe. And everyone starts somewhere so there is nothing wrong with being "new" to kink and wanting to explore. However, you cannot play safely if you're playing with partners who do not know how to play safely. I know you are thinking, "Well Goddess TK, how the heck do I know if someone knows what they are doing or not?!" YOU DON'T. This is why you take the time to LEARN. My advice to any newbies, FIND A SUPPORTIVE KINK HOME. Someone worthy of you will want to learn with you. Someone worthy of you will read books, and do research and invite you into the inner depths of their curiosities, rather than try to control you. I didn't find my soul tribe until last damn year but there are communities OFFLINE that offer educational classes and seminars. Believe it or not, there is no true right way to be Kinky but there certainly is a wrong way to be kinky. If you have friends in Kink groups, attend events with them. Mingle with professional Kinksters and even allow yourself to be vulnerable in support groups. Ask questions, learn to observe, take breaks from playtime in order to study and groom yourself. In Jan 2018, I started a sex blog on Twitter to share my experiences as a Sensual Domme and Sugarbaby. People quickly began to ask for events and classes, I was overjoyed to find like-minded people! Then, my sister recommend a site I had never heard of before and I am so happy because Fetlife truly is a beautiful and wonderful place to start. Unfortunately, I have lost my interest for settling into the algorithms of spaces that are not created specifically for Black folks. I have learned my evolution has lead me to a path of revolutionary innovation and now, I aspire to create such a place for Black Poly loved to thrive. Groom yourself before anyone else.
Thing 4: CONTROL YOUR HABITS
Now, some of experienced Kinksters will not appreciate my bluntness but recognize that drugs and alcohol are ingredients for the recipe to a kink disaster. Does that mean a little weed and perky play is not safe? No. Honestly, my advice on this one is to simply not mix your party life with your kink life but for the sake of not being a party pooper: KNOW YOUR TOLERANCE FOR ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES. Know what mood stimulants and hallucinogens' do to YOUR body and how these stimulants effect your mental clarity. Learn if you're even comfortable using stimulants and if you are not, then don't. I spent my youngest kink years serving people who used drugs to relax me and used the art of persuasion to convince me to use drugs that I would have otherwise never touched. When these dynamics ended because I was wise enough to walk away, I was left with a terrible drug addiction and horribly unhealthy habits. A huge part of my recovery was being able to learn how to say, "NO" and mean it. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I don't want a drink. NO I don't want any molly. NO I don't do zannys, etc... I had to learn how to say, "If you do that's cool, I do not judge and I hope for your safety at all times. However, we probably won't be playing together." Someone worthy of you is not going to create a junky out of you, period. Someone worthy of you is always going to want you in the best mental, physical, and emotional shape you can be in to make rational and SAFE decisions. I love shrooms, I smoke MJ AND I do sip a little wine here and there so, to each their own. However, kink and mood stimulants are not simultaneous. You don't need to be drunk or high out your mind to have a good time. Protect yourself before anyone else.
Last Thing: IF YOU'RE MISERABLE, RUN
This is possibly the most important lesson of all. After all these mistakes were made, I stayed. I allowed myself to be toyed with, manipulated, and lied to, and that is not okay. I spent my early years in kink losing valuable friendships because I pushed vanilla people away who were concerned for my safety, that is not okay. I lost meaningful kink friendships because I was too busy creating my own ideals about right from wrong instead of just taking those Rose colored glasses off, and that is not okay. My emotional and spiritual health took such a lost and at the end of the day, I had a drug addicted depressed ass unkinky and unhealthy life. I spent the majority of 2015 going through withdrawal, changing my exercise and eating habits, praying, resting, and rebranding myself as a woman first, kinkster second. I decided not to date any Vanilla men, too much work. I decided not to participate in certain delicacies, too dangerous to my temple. I decided to commit to my own growth and went kink 24/7. I am now in love with who I am and I cherish the lifestyle I live. My good and bad experiences, though necessary for these realizations, all could have been managed with more care. My fellow kinksters my final word of advice to you: YOUR MENTAL & EMOTIONALLY HEALTH SHOULD COME FIRST AND FOREMOST BEFORE ANY DYNAMIC. Someone worthy of you, in AND out of kink is going to love you, in AND out of kink. Someone worthy of you is going to be a friend and a safe place long before a dynamic is thought about. Someone worthy of you is going to be there to support you and correct you. I learned this the hard way, allowing my own emotional instability to cloud my judgement. When people called me out on my shit, I played the blame game and allowed my smart ass mouth to talk me into ruining valuable friendships. Accept who you are, flaws and all. Learn who you are, inside and out. Play safely and love yourself before anyone else ✨💋